When I was a kid, we looked for reasons to get out of our houses, or if you listen to my grandchildren, our caves, especially in the spring time.  In the months preceeding spring (we called it "winter"), we spent most hours indoors, huddled around a pot-bellied wood-burning stove, getting on each others nerves.  Some of you may not know this, but back then there was no internet... and no cable television... heck, no television, period.  So after a couple months of this enforced... togetherness... listening to the radio, those of us who had not been strangled by the others in our family were looking for anything resembling mild weather to get outside and away from the rest of a (by this time) highly strung, taut-nerved group of short-tempered strangers.  The first break in the cold and nasty weather brought us ridge-runners pouring out of our houses like rats from a sinking ship... only to discover, there was nothing to do outside either.  I'm sure this is the reason someone came up with the idea of Homecoming at the church... another word for some long preaching and dinner on the grounds... outside... where the air was fresh and clean... and didn't smell like stale pine wood smoke... and you could talk to someone other than those... well, you know... family... those people you were stranded with all winter.
     One thing people could do outside on a beautiful day was eat.... and eat... and eat.  After a meal that would have fed a small third-world country, some of the younger men would get up a softball game.  A few older guys would pitch horseshoes, but mostly people sat around and patted their swollen bellies... and complimented the women on their cooking and said things like, "Sure is nice to be outside."
     Ah, but the menu.
     Every woman made the dish for which she was locally famous.  Mrs. Gleason's deviled eggs... Old Lady Donna Chirco's mustard potato salad... Charlotte Krause's meat loaf... Madelyn Upleger's celery stalks stuffed with cream cheese and olives (try it before you say anything)... Karen Mabry's unbelievable twice baked potatoes with bacon bits, sour cream and spring onions...  Evelyn Walker's pickled peaches... Danna Cook's spoonbread... You get the idea.
     You could pick up a serving spoon, put on a blindfold, and go down the line of pushed-together picnic tables, eating as you went, and never taste something you didn't like.  We had two Homecomings a year.  As you can imagine, they were well attended.  There are folks in Heaven today who found the Lord because they came to church to eat Homecoming food.
     My mouth is watering thinking about those meals, but we don't do that any more.  Something about insurance coverage and lawsuits.  Also, there are no outside microwaves at the church, and very few people have a "famous" dish they prepare any more.  Plus, we have better things to do these days.  We're not hicks.  We have electronic games for our kids... and gosh, with cable televison there's always something good to watch... not to mention the internet... We hardly know our neighbors these days, so why would we want to hang out with them.  We just have too much to do... lots of better things than wasting an afternoon hanging out at church... even on a beautiful spring day.
     

 My Cable Went Out

     Last week we had a windstorm that knocked down trees and limbs (and consequently power lines) all over town.  Behind my house, a tree fell into the power pole and left it at an odd 45 degree angle.  The electric lines weren't broken, but they were sagged to within a couple of feet of the ground.  While this odd circumstance did not disrupt our power (therefore leaving us at the bottom of the let's-hurry-and-get-it-fixed list) it did rip loose the cable line.  The cable company, though very sympathetic, couldn't get us back up and running until the power company replaced the leaning pole.  Hmmmmm.  A nervous twitch began to contort one side of my face.  Let's see... no television... no internet... no entertainment period... for me, wife Sharron and son, Shelby, Jr., age 15... (Yes, he was a later in life child. No need to do the math.)  Now that we knew it would be days, possibly a week or two before we had cable, we held a family meeting.  Here are the minutes of the meeting, in its entirety.

Shelby, Jr: "What are we gonna do?  No Simpsons!  No That 70's Show!  No instant-messaging!  Dad!!! Do something!!"
Me: (After a condescending chuckle) "We'll do what we did when I was a kid your age."
Shelby, Jr: "When you were my age, you had television."
Me: "Well, yes, but we didn't have very many channels, and we got along just fine."
Shelby, Jr.: "We don't have any channels!  The cable is out!"
Me: "But when I was real young, back in the mountains of Virginia, we didn't have television at all."
Shelby, Jr.: "I can't help it you were born in the Dark Ages!  What are we gonna do?"
Me: (another chuckle, but a bit more forced and with a hint of nerves)  "Tell him, Honey.  Tell him what we're gonna do."
Sharron: "We're gonna miss the morning news... No Lifetime movies... no e-mail... and the SPAM will pile up to a couple million messages... DO SOMETHING!"
Me: "Well! (followed by an indignent huff) You're a lot of help.  We can talk, for one thing.  We never talk any more."
Sharron: "You sound like a woman."
Me: "I can't believe you would be so shallow and inane about something as insignificant as cable.  I think this will be a good thing for us to bond as a family."
Sharron: "And I think you need to cut back on the estrogen supplements... By the way, there won't be any sports... and since you cancelled the newspaper because you read everything online, you won't even know it if the world comes to an end."
Me: (Uh oh.) "No sports!  What DID we do back in the Dark Ages?  Maybe we could move in with Aim and Becky for a week or two... They still have cable... What are you waiting on... Call Aim!  We don't have any cable!"

Geezers and Geezerettes__________

"All would live long, but none would be old."
             Benjamin Franklin

     I remember as a child... or maybe I don't... An old guy did something I didn't like... forgot to tie his horse up to the hitching post... whatever... When my back hurts... I can't see too good any more............ oh yeah, geezers!... Oh, my sweet old Granny's wash board!  I am one.

     There are certain giveaways as to geezerhood... some cool and some not so cool.
     Not cool: Driving 35 mph on a two-lane road where the speed limit is 55mph, and having your turn signal  blinking for twenty miles or so.
     Cool: An old geezer holding the door open for the next person in line, and nodding and offering a polite greeting.
     Not cool: Waiting in a restaurant while the waitress looks in the back for saccharine.
     Cool: An old geezer taking off his hat and standing at attention and singing along while the National Anthem is played.
     Not cool: Trousers belted two inches below the armpits.
     Cool:  Watching an old geezer with his grandchildren.
     Not cool: veiled hats and musky toilet water.
     Cool: Without most of the old geezers serving as soldiers in great wars, we would not be a free country.

     I qualify as a geezer now, but there is still one "geezerette thing" that bothers me.  I'm in the express lane at Wal-Mart waiting behind a geezerette who unloads twenty-five items directly beneath a sign that says "12 items or less". After the cashier rings up the purchases and the geezerette has loaded the cart with her bags, the paying "process" begins.  Ooops, you mean I need money?  The sweet old blue-haired geezerette reaches back into the shopping cart and lugs out a purse large enough to be holding a pit bull or possibly a grandchild.  She snaps open the purse, unzips one side of it and searches around (elbow deep) for her wallet/check book/credit card holder/pictures of the family...  Once she finds it, she pulls it out, snaps it open, unzips one side of it, reaches in and pulls out a change purse, carefully reclosing the wallet and laying it back into the purse, not realizing evidently that she will eventually need to put the change purse back.  Now she unzips the change purse and pulls out one crumpled bill at a time, smoothing each one out on the counter and pinching it to make sure there aren't two stuck together.  Just when you think you may be able to move to the counter, she reaches back into the purse, pulls the wallet back out, unzips another compartment and one coin at a time counts out correct change.  "...forty-seven cents, forty-eight... just a minute I know I have another penny in here somewhere."  Now she searches (up to the shoulder) the bottom of the tote bag/purse until she finds the last penny.  Can't move up yet, though, because the process of returning everything to its proper place takes another little while.  Note to Geezerettes: When you go to Wal-mart you will have to pay!!!! Get your money ready!!!  There.... I feel better now.
     The following observations are from Phyllis Diller (geezerette extraordinaire) taken from: http://www.thegeezerbrigade.com
     "I've worked so hard on staying young, it's beginning to age me."
     "I nicknamed our waterbed 'Lake Placid'.  Our song was 'Taps'.  The romance was dead anyway.  That can happen when he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl's footpad."
     "I was in Florida recently working one of the big hotels.  The crowd was mostly senior citizens.  I was a smash!  It was the first time I ever got a 'crouching ovation'.  But a stunned realization hit me... half these people are younger than I am."
     "Like all kids at that time, I was guided by the Nutrition Food Health Chart.  The foods?  White bread, whole milk, eggs and red meat.  The FDA has now placed all four foods on their Death Chart.  Do you realize that what was once 'healthy' for me is now lunchtime for laboratory Canadian rats.  And they're spitting it up!  No wonder I look the way I do."
     "Jogging is rightfully known as 'the sport of morons'.  The good thing about jogging is that at least you look like a YOUNG moron.  Actually, walking must be my sport, because every time I wink at a younger man, I get told to 'take a hike'."
     "Avoid certain foods that mark you as old: Stewed prunes, poached egg on whole wheat toast, Lorna Doone cookies and saccharine. Do not eat at any Chinese restaurant that calls itself 'The House of Wind'. Avoid certain clothing that marks you as old: veiled hats, orthopedic shoes, veiled orthopedic shoes, and anything made of buffalo."
     "At least I'm not like the entertainer with the wig, capped teeth, false eyelashes, fake fingernails, rear padding and a silicon job who goes out on stage and sings, "I gotta be me."

    Some things you probably will not hear a geezer say:
1. Duct tape won't fix that.
2. We don't keep firearms in this house.
3. You can't feed that to the dog.
4. Wrassling's fake.
5. We're vegetarians.
6. Do you think my belly is too big?
7. I couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
8. Trim the fat off that steak.
9. Little Debbies have too many calories
10.Here's an espisode of Hee Haw we've never seen.
11.You cooked these green beans too long.
12.No more for me, I'm driving tonight.
13.Elvis who?
14.I don't think the accordion sounds good with that song.

Excerpt from the book, The Last Two Years of Abel Rivers, Chapter 8.

 Part 2 - Keeping the news from the family              

     "Daddy, I know he told you more than that.  You may be able to fool everybody else in your world, but you can't fool me."
     Scott fools you when he says he's being a good boy.  When he tells you he's not running around on you.  If he can fool you, surely I can.  "I'm not trying to fool you, Val."
     "Wait a minute... You had all those tests done and the doctor says he doesn't know what's wrong?"
     "That's not what he said.  He said he didn't think anything was wrong, other than I'm getting a little long in the tooth."  You're wasting your time, Val.  You should know that.
     "Putting your watch in the sugar bowl is getting a little long in the tooth?"
     Why couldn't you be as dumb as your mother?  "I still say I didn't do that."
     "Well, I gave the boys the third degree, and I don't think they did it."
     Hang in there, Abel.  "Whatever, Val.  Whatever.  The doctor does ten million tests, and he can't find anything wrong, at least that he can put his finger on, and you do one imaginary test, and you have all the answers."  Your mother is Evelyn Rivers, right?
     "Because you didn't tell him about the sugar bowl thing.  I'll bet you fifty dollars you didn't tell him about the watch in the sugar bowl."
     Put your lying shoes on, Abel.  "I told him that my watch had ended up in the sugar bowl a couple of times, and we all thought it was one of the kids.  I told him that."
     "What did he say?"
     "He didn't say anything."  And that's the truth... because he didn't know about it.
     "I don't believe you."
     "Don't make me respond to that."  I'll never admit it.  Not if you hold a pistol to my head. "I'm done.  I need a nap.... Where are the boys?"
     "Ashley has them already.  I'm on my way to work."
     "You can leave them with me sometimes."  Unless you're worried I'll put them in the sugar bowl.
     "I know, but we're already too much of a burden, just living here."
     "Val, don't ever say that again."  I love you more than I can tell you... In fact, I haven't been able to tell you for years now... because I'm stupid.
     "I'm sorry, but we should be living in our own house.  I know that."
     "You're always welcome here, Val... You always will be."  You're too good for that bum you married.
     "I know, daddy, and I love you so much for that."
     "No big deal, Girl."  Say it, Abel!!  Just say it!  I love you, Val!!!  "You can leave my grandchildren here any time you want, by the way."  ABEL!!!!!!!  Say it!!
     "I know.  I'll save that for a day when Ashley can't do it... Gotta go.  Love you, Old Man."
     Tell her!! Break the ice!!  "Old Man?  Don't make me get up from here."  I love you, too, Val.  I love you more than anything I can think of.  Abel, you're gonna die one day, you stupid old fool, without ever telling her... your own daughter.

*******

     "Grandpa, you're making this up, aren't you?  He's making it up. isn't he, Grandma?"
     "Bryce!  Your dear old grandpa, Abel Rivers?  Telling a tall tale?"
     "Don't listen to your grandma, Bryce.  She's old....... Do you want to hear the story or not?"
     "I want to hear it."
     "Okay.  Now... like I said, this catfish, Old Flathead, was the biggest catfish in the county, maybe even in the world, and he lived in the quarry, the one where they have that golf driving range now... the one with the floating golf balls?.... Well, I was fishing there one day, and I just had a feeling it was gonna be my day to catch Old Flathead.  Sure enough, I hooked into him!  And we fought all day!  I'd reel him in a ways and he would pull the line back out!  The next thing I know, it's dark, but I wasn't gonna let Old Flathead go... not after fighting him all day.  So we fought all night, until early the next morning.  Now my line gets locked up on something, and I can't make it budge.  I was so mad I could spit, but I wasn't gonna give up so easy.  So I jumped in the water and grabbed my line and started swimming down... and down... and down... all the way to where my line was hooked up.  I could hold my breath about forty-five minutes back in those days, and I followed that line all the way to the bottom.  What do you reckon I saw?" 
     "Old flathead?"
     "No.  I saw an old wrecked car somebody had pushed over the edge, and my line went right into the passenger side window.  So I swam over to the car to get my hook loose, and when I looked in the window... there was Old Flathead, just laying on the front seat resting.  So I started to reach in and wrestle him out..."
     "........ Well?"
     "Well, what?"
     "Did you?"
     "Did I what?"
     "Wrestle Old Flathead out of the car?"
     "Nope."
     "Why not?"
     "He rolled up the window."
     "... Grandpa!!"
     "I told you, Bryce.  He's full of hot air."
     "Yeah, but he has great stories."
     So what do you think about that, Miss Evelyn?  I may be crazy, but I have great stories.