Abraham Zirkle's Pig - or - Ooops!
(I wrote this story a couple of years ago, but it still seems timely.)

  Back in the 1920's, Bo and Lorene Zirkle bought fifty acres of land outside of the smallish city of Atlanta.  By 2008 Bo and Lorene were long gone, but their children had children and their children had children, and the family still owned the fifty acres.  Everyone in the city knew the Zirkle Clan. They were as close knit as a family could be, and people knew not to mess with one of the Zirkles or you'd have to contend with fifty of them coming over to your house.  By now, however, the intercity blight had surrounded Zirkles' fifty acres.  Their little piece of Atlanta was as beautiful as ever, but all around it was evil and decay, and the crack heads and prostitutes and robbers all hated the Zirkles and everything they stood for. With that bit of history in mind, I want to tell you about Abraham Zirkle, his best friend and cousin, Delmar Zirkle and Abraham's pet pig, (also known as Ham's ham.)
         Abraham raised his pig indoors, like one of his children.  Other than being stiff-legged, because pigs don't have knees, you would have thought the little porker was the family dog or maybe an ugly nephew.  This pig won every blue ribbon at the 4-H fair for ten years running.  Abraham took such good care of this pig that people in the family just started taking for granted that as long as this pig lived, Abraham would win the blue ribbon every year. People even said that if a pig ever started talking it would be THIS pig.

         One day Delmar stopped by Abraham's house to borrow a can of snuff.  (He was out and he didn't like making a trip through the crack jungle just to get a small can of his favorite smokeless tobacco.)  Abraham gave him the snuff and as Delmar was leaving the pig ran through the house and Delmar almost fell over him.  "Abe," Delmar said, "That pig's gonna kill somebody one day.  He shouldn't be in the house."

     Let me say this, Delmar knew how much Abraham loved that pig, and he really didn't mean anything by what he said, but he had almost fallen over it. Abraham was justifiably upset that cousin Delmar would criticize his prize-winning pig, and now they weren't speaking.  Two weeks later, other family members began taking sides in an argument that should never have happened in the first place. "Abraham should just forget about it and move on with his life," some said.  "Yeah, well, Delmar shouldn't have said anything about that pig," others retorted, and sides were drawn, much to the glee of the crack heads who were always jealous of the Zirkles anyway. Within days, most of Hattie Zirkle's kids weren't speaking to Wilmer's kids.  They had taken different sides in the pig debate. Two months later, things had calmed down, but there were still family members who weren't yet speaking to other family members, all because of what Delmar had said about Abraham's pig. 

         One day, Delmar and another cousin (a slow one named, Shelby) were talking about the incident.

     "Delmar, we need to take care of this pig business and start working on putting the family back together.  I don't like it when we ain't treating one another right."  Shelby said, as he dug in his ear with a finger.

     "Yeah, Shelby, you're right.  But first let's go out on the porch and have a little dip of snuff," Delmar countered, "then we'll talk about it."

     Not being one to turn down a free dip of snuff, Shelby accepted the offer and they retired to the porch.  While they were on the porch relaxing, something weird started happening in the eastern sky.

     "I don't know how I know this," Delmar said, "but Jesus is coming... right now!  Look!"

     "Cool!" said Shelby.  "IT IS JESUS!  Oh thank goodness, He's a-coming back."

     "Oh, no!" Delmar cried, "I need to call Abraham and make our peace... FAST."

     Meanwhile on the other side of the fifty acres, Abraham had seen the same thing and had the same thought.  He needed to forgive Delmar for any transgressions, real or imagined, and he needed to hurry.  Abraham picked up the phone and dialed Delmar at the same time as Delmar was trying to call Abraham.  Abraham and Delmar both yelled, "Oh, no! The line's busy!"

     The last thing either man did on this earth was to run outside and scream to the brightening sky, "Please, Jesus!  Can't you wait just a few minutes, so I can run over to my cousin's house?"

Oops.  Is it possible that having everything we want is a bad thing?

             Something finally dawned on me.  In fact, it hit me like a firestorm.  If it happened in a movie, I would have been leaning into a fierce hot wind, with streaks of dirty perspiration running down my face. I might have even looked like Robert Redford.  That would be another way to tell it was a movie.
             I was pondering why 5,000 people will show up to an illegal Christian service when it’s held in an underdeveloped third-world nation run mercilessly by a heartless and bloodthirsty dictator, and we only had 15 people show up to a prayer service at our legal church last Sunday night.  Usually when I ponder, nothing happens… I fall asleep… or forget what I was thinking about and turn on the television… or get a bowl of ice cream.  This time, for whatever reason, it hit me.  That’s what was so startling about the whole thing.  I think it was the truth that hit me.  I wish it hadn’t.  I was enjoying the service up to that point.                
               The reason 5,000 people show up to the illegal Christian service, a place where they could be arrested, in that aforementioned third-world country, is because they have serious need of a merciful and benevolent God.  They are hungry and afraid.  They worry about their children starving to death or being sold into slavery.  Things we can’t imagine.  They worry about agents of their government showing up at their hut and shooting every person in the family.  They worry about snakes crawling into their beds at night.  In other words, they need God, and they show up in great numbers to worship.
             We, on the other hand, have everything we need.  We have more food than we can eat.  I threw out some sweet potatoes yesterday, because they had gone so long uneaten that they rotted.  We come and go as we please.  We, as a nation, have dry warm places to sleep… automobiles… fifty choices of places to eat within two miles of where we live… available doctors… television and music.  We are overweight, out of shape, bored, rich (when compared to 95% of the world), spoiled, arrogant and unappreciative.  We don’t need God.  What could God add to that mix?  Unless He was going to let us hit the lotto, we really don’t need Him.  That’s why only 15 people showed up to the legal Christian prayer meeting.  I don’t need to pray for food - I have a refrigerator full.  I don’t need to pray for a roof over my head - I already have one.  I don’t need anything God can provide… unless of course, I get sick or something.  Then He’s there to pray to, but even then, I’d have to get pretty sick… like when I had the heart problem.  But what the heck, that’s why we have doctors.  There’s only one teeny-weeny little problem with that logic. 
               We seem to think that our lives here on this earth are all that matters.  What hit me was that we are only going to be here for the blink of an eye, speaking in terms of eternity.  We’re going to be wherever we end up after this life for quite a little while… not a hundred years… not a thousand years… not even a million years… but forever.  That’s longer than I’ve been bald.  When we are judged after this life is over, maybe we’ll get asked why we didn’t need God in these times of plenty.  Maybe we’ll get asked if we thought God was just a wishing well, and we didn’t need him because all our wishes had already come true.
               Hmmmmmmm.  Is it possible that the 5,000 third-world Christians stand a better chance of eternal rewards than us American Christians?  They needed God for those few moments they spent on this earth… and we didn’t.   

Please spare me from people like this, and don't let this guy talk to my grandchildren

Taken from http://larknews.com 

I was reading this article to my dear old granny.  The article itself is in black, and my granny's comments are in green italics.

Jack Crocker, a beer-loving machinist and "part-time Christian,"
I didn't know you could be a part-time Christian, Shelby.  Isn't that a little like being part-time... you know... pregnant?"
finally agreed to read Proverbs with wife Reanna. He's glad he did.
    "I'm a Proverbs 31 husband all right," says Jack, then quotes Proverbs 31:6-7: "Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more."
    "That's my permission to crack open a cold one," Jack says, having a Coors after dinner.
Ooooh, Shelby.  Do you think he was interpreting that right?  I think he might just be... I hate to say it... a drunk... somebody who has to drink a lot of beer before he can feel good about himself.
    But Reanna, a new church member, is pushing Jack hard to stop drinking. She insists he is neither "perishing" nor "in anguish." But Jack researched the Bible on the Internet and found 2 Corinthians 4:16 and 5:2 which say, "Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day," and "Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling."
    "Everyone is perishing and in anguish," Jack says. "Until we're delivered from these bodies, the Bible says to drink up."
Shelby, does he think everybody should be a drunk?  Or is that just his way of covering up his problem?......... Ooooh, Shelby.  I think he really is a drunk.  His poor wife.... I hope he doesn't have any children.
    As part of the escalating family tension he created a "Proverbs 31" category on their weekly budget and listed "beer" under it. He also wants to start a Proverbs 31 Men's Group with his buddies.
See!  I told you he wanted everybody to be a drunk... just like him... then he wouldn't feel so bad... Oooooh, he most certainly is a drunk.... Bless his heart... Do you think he believes anything else in the Bible, or just that part about the beer?
    "We're trying to find where the Bible talks about buffalo wings," he says.
That stupid man needs to invest in some Please-Lord-don't-burn-my-drunk-butt-up-forever liquid... and drink a few bottles of that.  They do make stuff like that, don't they, Shelby? ................................................ They don't?...... Ooooooh, my....... that poor man." 

Science - Why we should listen... or not.

          Most atheists and agnostics look to the scientific community to support their lack of belief in a supernatural deity.  That's cool, but maybe we should take a look at the scientific community itself, before we use them as a measure.  So, here goes... this dumb hillbilly is jumping into another area where he has no expertise... but I'm proud to say that ignorance has never stopped me before... and it won't stop me now.
          With that in mind, the present scientific community is the most learned, brilliant body of scholarly brains that has ever existed.  I truly believe that.  But here's the rub.  Several hundred years ago, the scholars and scientists of their time could make the same claim.  For their time in scientific history, they were the most learned, brilliant body of scholarly brains that had ever existed.  They also believed and staked their reputations on the fact that the Earth was flat.  They propounded, with no reservations, that the Earth was the center of the universe, and that everything revolved around our small planet, including the sun.  I could go on.  These scientists were using the most sophisticated tools of their time, and the general population had little choice but to believe them.
             Now the tools are more sophisticated, and science has advanced well beyond those primitive times.  My point is that in those days people could not fathom the advances in science that would be made over the next couple of hundred years, and they believed what they were told by educated academicians.  We do the same thing.  Do you really believe that we have reached the pinnacles of knowledge?  Or is there room in our thinking to believe that in another couple of hundred years, people will be looking back at our scientific knowledge and laughing at what we believed.  "What?  They believed that nothing could exceed the speed of light?  They believed that interstellar travel was impossible?  Hey, Ralph, get this.  Back in the 2000's those idiots believed there was no God."
                According to our present-day knowledge, matter cannot be created, but somebody created a bunch of it... several billion suns, and trillions of planets and stellar bodies.  If we believe our present body of scientific evidence, we really aren't here, because it would be impossible to create us.  According to our present-day scientific knowledge, life cannot be created from lifeless sources, which blows away the theory of evolution from a single source.  Now, I'm really confused.  Even though matter can't be created... it was... just not by God.  And even though life cannot be created from a lifeless source, somehow it was... just not by God.
            I believe this.  I believe that our scientists are doing the best they can with what they have.  I also believe that in several hundred years, we'll be closer to the truth than we are now.  I also believe we, as human beings, will never know the absolute truth, because the human brain isn't capable of understanding God's wisdom, His plans or His reasoning.
             My small brain hurts now... from all this thinking.  Final thought: Be careful what you let people... newspapers... the internet... television... and well-meaning friends make you to believe.

Should Chicago take Christ out of its Christmas celebration, i.e. a nativity scene? - a Coal County survey

John Zirkle: "Come on, Shel, you can't do that.  You wouldn't have nothing but a 'mas celebration.  Who wants to celebrate mas?  You ain't making no sense... as usual."
Miss Hattie Sheffield: "I'd move out of Chicago if they did that. How can you celebrate Christmas without a nativity scene? Without the birth of Jesus there wouldn't be a Christmas.  What are they thinking about?"
Aim Carsten:  "They're worried they're gonna offend a non-Christian, right?  If that's what they're worried about, non-Christians could obviously care less.  They just want the day off."
Sharron Redd: "You finally got a good question.  I don't believe there really was anyone complaining, therefore I have no comment.  I won't dignify a bunch of made-up #^%$&.............. No! You watch your mouth!
Bob "Hoghead" Bush: "Call them and tell them that I'm offended when they take the days off from work for a holiday they don't recognize."
Chuck Adams: "Now I'm mad.  When they take the day off to celebrate George Washington's Birthday, are they going to say they're just celebrating a 'birthday'?  When they take the day off to celebrate Martin Luther King Day, are they going to say they're just celebrating a 'day'?  I'm calling my boss and telling him I want to celebrate Thursday, and I won't be coming to work."
Enless Whitaker: "I'm offended when they do take Christ out of Christmas.  Does anybody care about that?  How come I don't count?  I don't matter!  Neither do you!  Just some nameless slob who gave a reporter a story.  We're supposed to care about him, but nobody cares about the millions of us who want Christ in Christmas. Do you see a problem here, Shel?"
Aristotle Suggins (Coal County's resident philosopher): "They're worried they might offend someone by mentioning that Christ is the reason for Christmas.  Who is it that's worried?  What's his name?  Or her name?  Do they have the guts to identify themselves?  Or is this just another one of those liberal media deals where they just tell us that someone's upset?  I don't believe anyone is upset about it.  If there is someone, let them get up a petition that they want Christ out of Christmas... and sign their names to it.  Then we can believe it. And if there's only three names on the petition, the reporter will have to find something else to report.  Then we have some people we can actually ask about it. Until then, I believe its just some atheist newsman who wants to start some sensationalist junk, and when his time comes to leave this earth, he'll be asking that same Christ for forgivness for starting all this junk... Where are you going?  I'm not finished!  Hey!  Shelby! 

In this case, some Chicago bureaucrats decided Christ might offend some people and removed Him in advance of hearing from any offended people.  To Cindy and Jim: Please don't look out for me.  I'm all growed up, and can look out for myself. 
My Coal County friends are actually making some sense this time.  There's a first for everything.  I think Enless hit the nail on the head.  Who cares what we think?  And who is this thin-skinned imbecile that we're all supposed to be worried about offending?  I'd like to meet him, but I think he only comes out to talk to reporters.  We're not allowed to know his name or what he looks like.  We just have to trust the media, or the bureaucrats.  And if you trust them, I have some ocean-front property here in the beautiful mountains of Coal County.  I'm letting it go real cheap.

Elton John talks smack about religion

Elton John recently announced that "religion" was a bad thing, because it taught hatred to people.  I'm assuming he is talking about the Bible's proscription against homosexuality.   Hey, Elton, I think what you mean to say is that you wish everyone would condone the way you have chosen to live.  Heck, so do I!  Don't we all?  But it doesn't work that way.  That would mean that you had to accept me, and my thoughts on homosexuality.  But that's not what you meant, was it?  You meant you wanted "us" (the religious folks) to accept you and your homosexual ways, not the other way around. Hey, I've been wrong before, so just to be safe, I polled some of the folks here in Coal County.  I had to show some of my neighbors a picture (see above), because they didn't know who you were.  Forgive us for being such rednecks.  Here are their responses.   

Chuck Adams: "Elton... girlfriend... we don't hate you... we hate the sin of homosexuality."
Yteena Barrell: "Wait a minute, Shelby, slow down. He wants me to say that homosexuality is okay with me?  Is that what he wants?  The devil will be wearing long johns when I do that."
Miss Hattie Sheffield: "Shelby Redd! Take your potty mouth and get out of my store!"
Enless Whitaker: "Let's see. He thinks he's right and millions of people for thousands of years are wrong?  Is he crazy, Shel?  This ain't for real, is it?.......................... It is!  Well, he can (bleep)(bleep)........ oh yeah, and (bleep).
Aim Carsten: "I've always liked his songs.  That doesn't mean I'm a homo, does it?
John Zirkle: "I never heard of him, but if that's what he looks like, why should I worry about his opinion.  I sure don't want him doing brain surgery on me."
Reddish Ardell: "Is he a him, or is he a her? I guess it doesn't matter... What was the question?"
Bob 'Hoghead' Bush: "Let me see if I have this straight.  He wants me to accept his beliefs, but he admits he won't accept mine?  Who is this guy?  Never mind.  If that's what he looks like, I'm glad he's gay.  I sure wouldn't want my daughter bringing him home."
Aristotle Suggins (Coal County's resident philosopher): "I would assume we needn't pay attention to a person who announces to the world that he wants those people whom he admits that he hates to stop hating him... Shel, why do your eyes always roll around in your head when I start talking?"
Sharron Redd:  "I don't hate Elton John because he's gay.  I don't hate anybody...... but you're starting to get on my nerves."

  The Big Bang                                

Fasting - not for the faint of heart

Recently our small church decided to have a forty day period of fasting and prayer - a good thing.  People volunteered to fast one day a week for six weeks, so that someone from our church would be fasting at all times. Now for a short discourse on fasting - the first day.  (It gets progressively easier each time - thank you, Lord.)

Setting * 6pm * approaching the 24-hours-without-food point * about 12 hours to go * not happy about the way my stomach is barking at me * getting ready to go to church for Wednesday night meeting * dear sweet wife enters room.
Me: "You going to church?"
Wife: "No, my head hurts.  I think I'm going to stay home."
Me: "I might stay home with you."
Wife: "Please don't."
Me: "Why?  (sarcastically) I'll miss my little sweetheart."
Wife: "You shouldn't, because your little sweetheart hates your guts.  So stay home at your peril."
This could be considered as the downside of that first day of fasting.  I will admit that this angry woman returned to being her jolly self the next day after we ate something.  She even told me she realized that fasting had rendered me less sensitive than usual... and she forgave me... ah marital bliss.

Muslims v. Christians - the latest debate

Boy, is this a hot item, but... there are a few things we need to consider.  If all Christians (and I'm one of them) practiced their faith like the Ku Klux Klan, this country would be in trouble. If all Muslims practiced their faith the way some non-Muslims think they do, we would be in just as much trouble.  In my own simple-minded way, I figured out that if all Muslims were as crazy as those who strap bombs to themselves and blow people up... there wouldn't be any Muslims left. They'd all be blown up.  So there must be one or two who don't agree.  That whole deal probably works a lot like most things work in this country.  I have a feeling that the human bombs were not  bankers and lawyers and doctors, Muslim or otherwise.  They were probably poor people who got talked into believing they had lots to gain by blowing themselves up.  They already knew they didn't have much to lose.

I know a Muslim guy, and I asked him about it. He said he was not going to blow himself up.  He did, however, have some friends he felt he could volunteer.  But let's take a look at this guy.  First, he doesn't own a party store or a gas station and he doesn't drive a cab, so he doesn't fit the stereotype we have created for American Muslims.  Also, he doesn't go to church, or temple, or whatever they call it, and I've never seen him on his knees facing Mecca.  Sounds like some Christians I know... who only go to church on Easter and Christmas, if at all.  So I guess before we condemn all Muslims, or all Christians, we need to know if they're really true to their faith, or if they're just saying they are, in which case we're barking up the wrong tree.

I'm confused now... a normal state.  But, in the future I'm going to be a little more careful before I lump all Muslims into the same heap, because I don't know if they are really Muslims or just saying it because of their family and friends.  If they blow themselves up, I can be pretty sure they think they're doing it for Allah.  Short of that, they could be going to church only on their equivalents of  Easter and Christmas. I will also be careful about dumping Christians into the same heap... unless they're burning a cross in someone's yard.  Then I can be pretty sure they think they're doing it for Jesus.  Wow!  I guess generalizing can be a dangerous thing.