What's wrong, Honey? - or - Why are men so dumb?

When our women get mad at us, or worse yet if (nay, when) one gets her feelings hurt (insensitive clods that we are) we’re in trouble… whether we deserve it or not.  Somehow, as men, we were born with the innate understanding that now the monkey is on our backs.  We are now under an obligation to ask that knee-buckling question……. "What's wrong, Honey?"  (My stomach hurts just thinking about it.)  Not only must we ask it, but we must ask it thirty or forty times while she answers - each time - "Nothing.".  If we stop asking too soon, we are insensitive clods, because if we really cared about her, we'd keep asking until she told us.  And further, if we stop asking, that’s proof positive we don't care.  We will definitely pay the price for that.  Either way we lose.  So we keep asking, hoping the phone will ring, but it never does.  And eventually, she starts talking…. more like a verbal bushwhacking.  Why?  Because we are the reason she’s sulking, and during the repeated “What’s wrong, Honey?” session, she is simply taking time to recall every transgression, real or imagined, that we ever committed... so she can list them for us.  We already know if she was sulking for some other reason than us, she would have told us.  Here’s a typical conversation.  Memorize it.

“What’s wrong, Honey?”

Cutting eyes to look at your face. “Nothing.”

“Well, something’s wrong.  What is it?”

Cutting eyes to the floor and looking pitiful. “Oh, it’s nothing.”

“Okay, I must be misreading you.”

Eyes back to your face… hard eyes. “Oh you aren’t misreading me.”

“See, I knew something was bothering you.  What’s wrong, Honey?”

Eyes back to the floor. “Nothing.”

“How can I help you if I don’t know what’s wrong?  Look at me… Okay, don’t look at me.  Please…. Stop looking at me!  What’s wrong, Honey?”

Eyes back to the floor…. slowly. “It’s nothing.  Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay, Honey, if you say so.  I’m going outside.”

Eyes back on your face… real hard eyes. “That’s just like you!  You don’t have a problem, so just run away from mine.”

“Okay, I understand.  I mean, what’s wrong, Honey.”

“If you understood, there wouldn’t be a problem.”

“Well….. you said you didn’t have a problem.  You said, don’t worry about it.  What’s wrong, Honey?”

Eyes boring a hole into your head.  “If you don’t have a problem, then there is no problem!  Isn’t that the way it works?”

“Come on now.  What’s wrong, Honey?”

Eyes snap back to the floor. “NOTHING!!!!”

“Are you sure?”

“It wouldn’t matter to you anyway.”

“Of course it would.  Tell me.  What’s wrong, Honey?”

“Okay.  Okay.  You finally pestered it out of me.  Why am I the only one who cares about the relationship?  I’m always the one giving.  I’m always at fault.  You’re Mr. Perfect.  But you weren’t so perfect when you let your mother ruin our wedding! (27 years ago)  And you weren’t so perfect when you were late getting to the hospital when Chuck was born! (25 years ago)  And you weren’t so perfect when we ran into that old girlfriend at the Waffle House and you let her hug you… right in front of me. (23 years ago) and you weren’t so perfect…..  

I have a headache now.  Gotta go.

Race Relations

I took another Coal County survery.  I don't know why I keep trying.  This time the question was: 
Is racial prejudice still a problem in this country?

Bob "Hog Head" Bush - "Of course it is.  A hundred years from now it still will be.  A better question would be is it still a major problem.  No, it isn't.  The only people that still think racial prejudice is a major problem are those people who are making a living off of it.  Like Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson and people like that."
Miss Hattie Sheffield - "I ain't ever been prejudiced.  If you have a dollar, you're welcome in my store.  But if you're just gonna stand here without spending any... get out.  I don't care what color you are.  Now I'm talking to you, Shelby.  Spend something or get out."
John Zirkle - "Are we talking about black people, or just anybody?  I think there is still racial prejudice in this country by everybody against anybody who is a different race.  Pretty much, that seems natural so long as you ain't stepping on somebody's toes because of it."
Ballie Crutchfield - "If I didn't say yes to that question, they'd kick me out of the black race.  But living here, I don't ever run into it.  If I did though, I wouldn't do anything about it, as long as it wasn't infringing on my rights as a citizen.  I mean, people are entitled to their prejudices.  I have mine, but I sure ain't telling you about any of them." 
Enless Whitaker - "I used to be prejudiced, until I got to be friends with Ballie. I guess the answer to prejudice is to make everybody have a friend of a different race.  Then it's hard to be prejudiced.  I'd be prejudiced upside somebody's head if they messed with Ballie."
Yteena Barrell - "I know there are prejudiced people in the world.  I even have a few of my own that I don't discuss.  But I don't think it's a big problem any more.  It's a bigger problem that nobody likes anybody it seems like... some time.  Now that's a problem."
Sharron Redd - "Of course it's still a problem.  You want me to list some of your prejudices?  I know them, you know.  Nobody would be offended at your prejudices, though, they'd just know how dumb you are about some things... most things."
Aristotle Suggins (Coal County's resident philosopher) - "Shel, the day there are no more racial prejudices, will be the day there are no more racial differences.  I don't see that happening any time soon.  Prejudice is nothing more than thinking in generalities.  Being prejudiced means that you attribute derogatory values to everybody of a particular race.  We both know that no one ever totally fits that stereotype.  So to be prejudiced means to be stupid.  The only thing stupider than thinking in generalities is speaking in them.  In other words, if you're dumb enough to be prejudiced, just be smart enough to keep your mouth shut."

Child Raising

It was easy to get warped back in the old days… when families still raised their kids.  Everybody had their own ideas about how to bring up a child (There were very few set patterns.) and individualism was a trait we actually encouraged.  We didn’t have Doctor Spock or Doctor Phil or Oprah to guide us.  At this point in time, the government had not taken over the job of child-rearing.  They hadn’t showed us yet, how it was supposed to be done. 

They have now, and I, for one, think they’re doing a great job!  It certainly would never have occurred to a dummy like me to take religion out of the schools?  But our government did it, and look how much stronger and more moral we are as a nation.  And someone decided we should do away with spankings, too.  Now there’s a great idea.  That’s why kids, as a whole, are turning out so much better.  We, as adults, should reason with and explain to a two-year old why he should see things our way.  Back in the Dark Ages, we didn’t know how smart a two-year old really was… that they could understand and learn from a give-and-take discussion. 

My granddaddy was a trend-setter in the area of child psychology… and child rearing.  He was one of the first people to employ the “time-out” method of discipline.  He would call for a time-out, go break a switch off the fuchsia bush and wear me out with it.  And who would have ever thought we should have a school system where no one could fail?  Why didn’t we think of that?  Our government did.  It’s a self-esteem thing.  When I was a kid, we had to earn a passing grade.  How were we to know that hard work was going to somehow damage us?  It’s much fairer to just pass everybody.  Heck, think about it, a high school diploma is a real door-opener… even if the kid can’t read.

Back then we even had to earn trust and respect… especially from our parents, not to mention our teachers and employers.  What a dumb and antiquated idea.  The government showed us it’s a noble thing for our youngsters to grow up feeling good about themselves… holding their heads high when they stick up a convenience store… or standing tall by the mailbox with a beer in one tattooed hand, waiting for a welfare check.  And who could have known that teachers shouldn’t punish unruly students?  Any teacher that stupid should get sued…  like they do now.  It makes me wonder how we ever got to be such a great country in the first place… without these brilliant parental help programs in place.  But then, what do I know?  I’m just a dumb hillbilly.

Coal County Survey

New Year's Resolutions

For lack of something better to do yesterday, I asked some of my friends: "What, if any, new year's resolutions are you going to make this year?"  ..........I need to move to another country.

Bob "Hog Head" Bush - (age 68) - "I'm tired of being short.  I think I'll grow a few inches this year.  What about you?  You should resolve to be smarter.  Then we could both fail miserably."
Miss Hattie Sheffield - (age 112) "To live one day at a time... actually... just to live.....  You asked me that so you could make fun of me, didn't you?  Well, let me tell you something, smartypants!... I'll be around to dance on your grave!  You shouldn't make fun of old ladies!"
John Zirkle - "I don't make New Year's resolutions.  If I want to lie to myself, I'll make it a good one.  Like, I'm gonna make a million dollars.  Or, I'm gonna ugly up... so you and me will have something in common."
Ballie Crutchfield - "I'm going to lose 250 pounds...... the next time we go fishing." (Hey, wait a minute, Ballie, I weigh 250 pounds.) "Exactly."
Enless Whitaker - "I'm gonna lose 250 pounds, the next time we go fishing." (That's the last time I ask you something when Ballie's around. And you two can quit slapping hands... it wasn't that funny.)
Yteena Barrell - "I'm giving up hang-gliding." (But you've never been hang-gliding, Yteena.) "Yep, and I'll be the only person in Coal County that keeps their resolution."
Sharron Redd - "I'm going to try and stop having so many thoughts about putting a pillow over your face when you're asleep.  Now take out the garbage."
Aristotle Suggins (Coal County's resident philosopher) - "Wow!  That's a really original question for this time of year, Shel.  What New Year's resolution am I going to make this year?  Where do you come up with such thought-provoking questions?  Hmmmmmmmm.  Let me think.  What New Year's resolution am I going to make this year?  I'm having a hard time thinking because I'm so stunned that you would come up with such an esoteric question.... Hey, come back!!!  I'm thinking!"

Okay, maybe that wasn't the best question to start off the new year.  Anyway, I hope your 2007 will be a great one, a safe one, a prosperous one, and that you'll figure out the truth... at least, as it applies to you.

In another of my highly effective and informative surveys, I asked the question, "Do you consider patriotism to be politically incorrect?"
Here are some of the answers.

Enless Whitaker - "I'm not sure I understand the question, Shel.  Is this another one of your tricks?"
Bob "Hoghead" Bush - "The only way sombody could be offended by patriotism is if they was terrorists... or really really liberal."
Sharron Redd - "You know, Honey, just when I think you can't get any stupider... you do.  Being unpatriotic is politically incorrect.  It should be a crime.  Now pick that towel back up and start drying."
Ballie Crutchfield - "You need to get a job...  Okay, I'll play along.  If somebody thinks it's wrong to be a patriotic American, they better not tell me about it or they really will be offended when I get through with them. Ballie Crutchfield don't play that."
Cussin' Bill Bryant - "%&^(*&$%^#!!!!  And %&*^&^$%^^%#!!!  *&^&*%^&$^^&&^^%# politically correct!!"  Translation: Patriotism is politically correct.  (You had to be there.)
Aristotle Suggins (Coal County's resident philosopher) - "First of all let's define patriotism.  If patriotism is love and support for one's country, but not necessarily its government officials, then I am definitely a patriot.  If that offends someone, they need to be concerned that they don't offend me.  I take it real seriously when someone wants me to stop loving my country... at least what left of the way it used to be.  I am offended by anyone who wants personal benefits to the detriment of the sanctity of the very nation that allows them to say it. HEY!  Where are you going?"

I don't know.  Maybe my neighbors and I are nothing but dumb rednecks, but we believe that there's a problem when we stop supporting the United States of America.  Isn't that what our enemies want us to do?

In a recent Scientific Survey by me at Roy Kilmartin's Drug Store, here are the comments of Coal Countians re: legally recognizing homosexual marriages. In most cases, I had to explain what I meant.

John Zirkle: "Can you really do that?  What would they do on their honeymoon?  This is just some more of your dumb stuff, ain't it, Shel?"
Bob "Hoghead" Bush: "Two guys couldn't get married. What would they do?.....................................Shut up!!"
Miss Hattie Sheffield:  "Shelby Redd!  You need to wash your mouth out with soap!  You've always been stupid!  Now you're just being nasty!"
Audie Joe Damron: "I think being queer............. Whadda you mean, I can't say queer?....................... You're kidding!  When did that happen?"
Cussin' Bill Bryant: "%#$^&*#$@!!!!  &%*(&$#%&^*(@!!! .......... And one more thing!  ^&%*#$(*&^%$!  Hey, I'm talking to you!  Where are you going?"
Becky Carsten: "Shelby..... Don't you have something you need to be doing?  If this is what you and Aim talk about when I'm not around, I won't let him play with you any more......................................... I don't care how old you are.  At 63 you should know better. Hey, I'm talking to you!  Where are you going?"
Aristotle Suggins (Coal County's resident philosopher): "I can't use the word 'queer'?  Well, Shel, first let's define the operative words.  The dictionary says that gay means, happily excited, having high spirits or given to social pleasures.  It defines queer as, differing in some odd way from what is normal.  You tell me which word I should be using.  You see, Shel, if they were to put 'recognize queers getting married' on the ballot, nobody would vote for it, but recognize 'gay' people... people who are happily excited... or people who have high spirits... Hey, I'm talking to you!  Where are you going?"
Sharron Redd (my lovely wife of several thousand years): "Shelby... there aren't enough people in Coal County for you to run off what few friends we have... Hey, I'm talking to you!  Where are you going?

End of survey... bunch of dumb hicks... I need to move... before they kick me out... never mind... I have to go home soon....  I'm hungry.

HEADLINES

If you ever wonder why things run a little smoother out here in the boondocks… compare the headlines of a local “boondock” newspaper and the nearest “city” newspaper.  Here are some samples from 10/23/06.

First, from the little burg of Baxley, Georgia

The Baxley News Banner. http://www.baxleynewsbanner.com

A MEDAL PRESENTED 43 YEARS LATER (to Jack and Mauldine Phelps

PAULK CROWNED 2006 HOMECOMING QUEEN

CANDIDATE FOR STATE SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT VISITS NEWSPAPER

COMMUNITY CALENDAR - First two items

Christian Women’s United Meeting @ Capt. Joe’s

Baxley Lions Club @ Dinner Bell

Second, from the big burg of New York City

The New York Daily News www.nydailynews.com

FACE RIFT - Hil (Hillary Clinton) was troll before bankroll GOP foe rants

HIL BETTER WATCH HER BARAK

HEVESI RIVAL FACING HIS OWN ETHICAL WOES

MORE GROUND ZERO REMAINS ARE FOUND

COP SHOOTS BOY, 15

DAD OF SLAIN GIRL FIGHTS PLEA DEAL.

Lastly, from the rural county of Coal

The Coal County Yellow Ribbon  (No website.  You’re surprised?)

12 MILE CREEK DROPPING

BOB “HOGHEAD” BUSH FIXES BANK LOCK (broken 30 years)

EVANS GIRL WINS MISS SHEEP DIP TITLE

MASSIE’S MILL ROAD TO BE PAVED IN SPRING

FIREMAN’S CARNIVAL NEXT WEEK!!!!

I checked some other big and small newspapers and while the stories were different, these headlines are fairly representative.  In the immortal words of the late John Denver, “Thank God I’m a country boy.”

Country Politics

There has been a long-running feud here in Coal County (nobody remembers why) between a local politico, Ham Backtiar, and one of Coal County's more successful bootleggers, Axton Zirkle.  Last month, Ham organized a $25 per plate fund-raiser at the Bleu Moon Motel and Banquet Center.  As a joke, he sent an invitation to Axton... a sleeping dog, as it were, that he should have let lie.

Naturally, Axton didn't show up, but the 25 men who did were having a high old time at the long table in the back room - a meal of plastic chicken, instant mashed potatoes, and mixed vegetables - when it happened.  Two of Axton's brothers, Wilmer and Claude struggled through a side door, laboring with a large box.  People stopped eating as the Zirkle brothers went to the far end of the table, tipped the box and spread, from one end to the other, a red and gray pile of several-days-old and very malodorous pig guts.  Men were blanching and several actually lost what they had already eaten.  Wilmer reached in the chest pocket of his coveralls and produced a letter that he handed to Ham.  It read:

"Dear Ham,
As you know I have always considered you a spineless, worthless excuse for a real man. If it wasn't for the fact that nobody wants your stupid job, you would have starved to death years ago.  I thought long and hard about a political contribution for a man with your obvious lack of talent and ability.  While I was killing hogs last week it came to me.  If there is one thing you desperately need, it is intestinal fortitude.  Here are the intestines, now all you need is to find some fortitude.  Good Luck.
Axton"

Korean nuclear testing

Opinion poll from Coal County:

Bob "Hog Head" Bush
"I don't know what a nuclear is, and since I don't know what it is, I don't know why they are testing them.  But I never have trusted the Koreans ever since my daddy told me about the Korean War, so I am against them... or it. What was the question?"

Wicked Williams
"Whatever."

Miss Hattie Sheffield
"I think it has to do with microwave ovens.  I'm pretty sure that's where they build them.  Korea... or Japan... or China... I don't know... I'm too busy to talk right now."

John Zirkle
"Which Coreen is that?  Coreen Williams?  My cousin, Coreen... the one with the bad eye?  It doesn't really matter... I don't care what she's testing."

Chuck Adams
"Let me go over there!!!  I'll show them a thing or two!!!  A bunch of crazy orientals with nuclear weapons!!!  I say, 'Nuke 'em!' "

Aristotle Suggins
"Why are you asking me?  Supposedly, that's why we have elected officials.  Oh yeah, they aren't in charge any more... Let the bureaucrats handle it.  At least we know whatever they do will be the best for them, and if we're lucky, it'll be good for us, too."

Okay... maybe Coal County isn't the best place to conduct this particular poll.